In the shadow of the Brandon Crisp tragedy, many parents are seeking ways to equip themselves with knowledge about how to foster understanding and improve communication and with their children.

A presentation at the Bracebridge Sportsplex provided an opportunity for concerned parents to hear what guest speaker and parenting expert Graham Hookey thought last Tuesday. His talk, titled “Parenting the Teenage Years,” was geared toward families with young children to older teens. When it comes to parenting, Hookey emphasized the need for balance.

The diverse audience of approximately 30 people included single parents and “big brothers.” The group listened intently and nodded in agreement to many points raised. The majority of audience members stayed well beyond the scheduled end of the event.

For some parents, the presentation provided a wake-up call, or the impetus to act; for others, it affirmed what they knew or suspected — how much children mimic what they see.

Hookey, 56, a father of three university-aged boys, one with dyslexia and another with bipolar disorder, considers himself an “ultra-conservative” parent and attributes his parenting style to his mother.

He said every parent, including himself, has gone through challenging moments when resolutions and plans seem furthest from one’s mind. However, he believes planning helps, and trying to be the best person you can be provides a good example for children to follow.

“In the long term, my kids will be like me simply because they don’t necessarily do what you say . . . they do what you do.” In other words, he explained, how you behave as a parent will often influence your children more than what you tell them.

Hookey has ample experience dealing with children. As well as being a parent, he has been an educator for more than 29 years, serving as a teacher and headmaster for various private and public schools throughout North America. He was a weekly newspaper columnist for 24 years, writing on education and parenting. He considers himself to be a life-long student of parenting and has attended numerous seminars and read considerable literature on the subject.

Over the years, one of the things he has learned is that a single approach to parenting isn’t possible; it didn’t work for his boys, he noted, since each of them is different. Children are individuals, and parents must tailor the approach to suit the child.

In any situation, however, it’s vital to provide balance because it is necessary for the health of a child, he said. With a balanced approach, parents should work on instilling these three things: 1. Competence – there are things kids need to know to be capable, he explained, and parents need to make sure their children learn the basics, whether it’s sports, academics or the arts; 2. Confidence – the ability to take on challenges and do things on their own, without parents hovering over them; 3. Character – the understanding of what is right and what is wrong.

“The biggest thing is balance. In order for kids to be confident . . . try to get your kids into a lot of different things. Keep them engaged in a lot of different activities. Don’t let them become single-mindedly communication-oriented or video game-oriented,” he said.

He realizes this might be contrary to the trend of specializing, but he feels that balance is the best thing for a healthy child. Although he doesn’t discourage the nurturing of a specific talent or passion, he stresses the importance of leaving time for other activities.

Even though the Crisp story garnered recent headlines, the scenario isn’t new to Hookey.

He said he has heard of extreme behaviour, even suicides, when children have had computers taken from them. He attributes much of this to the way computers and video games are perceived — as sustenance. Hookey said such games can have addictive qualities normally associated with drugs or alcohol.

“What parents need to do more than anything is to establish a good routine,” he said. “I’m not against video games, but I’m against (playing) video games for four or five hours a night. I think video games (played for) an hour a day is fine, for recreational purposes.”

In the last few years, the Internet has become an issue in parenting. “It’s a portal for all the worst people in the world to have access to your kids directly, without you even knowing it,” he warned.

Hookey added that parenting is constantly evolving and the learning goes on and on.

“I’m not saying, ‘here’s what you do.’ I’m just throwing out ideas and suggestions and people add what they’ve done and, hopefully, everyone walks away from this with one idea they can take home,” he said. “It’s a constant process.”